My Best man Speech

Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen – I do use the term ‘gentlemen’ loosely, as I’ve heard that some of you here today are actually Celtic supporters.

Let me first say that the bridesmaids look absolutely smashing today – Gemma and Danielle, and only rightly outshone by our bride, Linzi. I’m sure you’ll agree with me gentlemen, today is a sad day for single men, as another beauty leaves the available list, and ladies, I’m sure you’ll agree that today’s passing by without  as much as a ripple.

Again, I would like to draw your attention to the bridesmaids, who look wonderful and performed their role fantastically well, despite the inevitable and healthy rivalry that can sometimes occur. In fact, just before the service I overheard a furious argument about who was going to be first to dance with the best man. Understandable, I thought – until I got closer and heard them saying, ‘You!’, ‘no, you!’

Seriously though they were fantastic as only Gemma and Dani could be and at this point I would like to ask you all to be upstanding and propose a toast to the BridesmaidsTOAST

I’d also like to mention the Ushers here today that you would have seen at the door this morning, Findlay who is a dear friend and soon to be brother in law of the happy couple and Anthony, Linzis long suffering brother brought up in a house full of girls – that leads me to two other superstars today, Baby Findlay and Cara who were brilliant and added their own special touch to the day. Having been an Usher only last week I understand how difficult a job it can be  – people say being a best man is the worst job but believe me I can tell you right now it is an utter breeze compared to being an usher so thanks to those guys for that.

I must admit to being rather nervous about today’s speech as it’s a family occasion,  Linzi has warned me the last thing I want to do is cause offence by talking in too much detail about Davids colourful past. I therefore decided to edit out anything that might be upsetting to anyone present. But that would pretty much conclude my speech.

I should really introduce myself. My name is Garry and for those who havn’t been paying attention I’m the best man. I don’t know why David chose me as best man, because I know just about all the dirt there is on him. The only real warning Linzi gave me was not to mention anything about ex girlfriends or I would be in big trouble – which was relatively easy ,since there hasn’t been any. To be honest, before Linzi – the tide wouldny take turner out.

It’s awfully strange to be standing here tonight to deliver a best man speech for a guy I’ve known since we were knee high. David and I have been close for as long as i can remember. We’ve always “playfully” competed to see who’s the best and now that Davids bestowed the title of “best man” upon me, I think it’s safe to say he’s finally accepted defeat.

When David asked me to be his best man I was initially thrilled at the prospect however it didn’t take long for this feeling of well-being to dissolve into total terror when I thought about the last time I had to stand up in front of a room full of people wearing suits. On that occasion I was found guilty and fined £400, so I hope you lot will be a little bit more lenient than the last .

Todays service I’m sure you will all agree was wonderful and a special memory for you all. One thing that I noticed was the poignant words said by Father Glackin, He said the words – for better or worse. I thought this was very true on the simple basis that David couldn’t have done any better – and Linzi probably couldn’t have done any worse.

I have tried to take the responsibility of best man very seriously indeed. One of my first tasks was to help get the groom fitted for a kilt. We had arranged to meet up at the hire shop and I was running a little late so when I arrived he had already chosen a kilt. ‘What’s the tartan?’ I asked to which he replied ‘Oh, I’m pretty sure Linzi will be wearing white.’

With the groom delivered to the church on time and sober, I think I’ve so far completed all my duties correctly. I even remembered the wedding rings – or as David called them “the world’s smallest handcuffs”.

After being an usher at my sisters Wedding only last Saturday another duty I was asked to perform was to help our Findlay and Anthony, the ushers this afternoon. I thought I was doing well in the Church when I asked a woman if she was a friend of the groom – then she replied, “ Certainly not – I’m the brides mother”.

Today in keeping with the traditional character I started my speech by writing a list of all the wild times from the last few years – the strip clubs, the drug dens, the dodgy mates, the public gaffes … David! Where were you?

I  actually found writing this speech quite difficult. David’s done nothing! Never skipped school, never been arrested, never smoked dope… it would have been a lot easier if he had a past like mine!

As a way around this I started to investigate things that had happened around the time David was born. – Phillis Nelson was number 1 with Move Closer:

1. Eurovision was held in Sweden that year on the 4th May. I can only imagine going into Labour was the preferred choice for spending the evening

2. Live Aid was held later on and,

3. Nothing more of any real significance happened with the exception of one thing that really stood out – the very day David was born, Free contraception was introduced on the NHS.

None of you will know this, but I’ve actually congratulated the groom already. ‘Turner,’ I said to him, ‘Well done! You will always look back on today as the happiest and best thing you’ve ever done.’ Fitting words, I thought, at the end of a fantastic stag do.

As far as the stag night went, I can assure the bride that the groom’s conscience is clean … well, it should be clean – because he never used it.

Seriously it was an eventful day, dinner in Angels then into town for a pub crawl, I promise that most of us were on our best behaviour and have nothing at all to be embarassed about – unlike some of us, eh Fin!

Enough of the quips though , David has been my mate for a very long time. In that time we’ve been forced to play brass instruments together in school – something we were especially crap at. This wasn’t something out of the royal veriety I have seen playback of old camcorder recordings in Holytown primary assembly hall – utterly disgraceful that we were allowed to do this, not only did we embarrass ourself – we embarrassed everyone in the hall playing Kum Ba Ya on a baritone horn, we’ve been to the BB’s and shared a room with probably the most pathetic group of losers our school had to offer at P.7 camp. We’ve went to Cancun in Mexico together – an I’ll fated trip to Alton Towers with our other friends Dez and Alison who are both here today, he’s been a waiter giving me free pints in the Bellzihill Farm, a sign maker in Queenslie and then most recently – a copper. To be honest his training up in Tullyallen has probably shaped him more as a man and most certainly shaped him for married life after living up there away from home. For a start, he’s good at taking orders and used to going long periods of time without having sex.

I actually knew Linzi before David did – infact to be honest I’d like to think I had a small, coincidental part to play in the process of us being here today. I havn’t checked to confirm the story with everyone else involved but this is basically how I remember it happening: We all had a tradition of going to Franklyns in Bellshill at Christmas time, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. On Chritmas Day we were in Franklyns as usual having a right good bevy to be honest – I’ve been close to Alison for many many years and I presume she must also have been in the pub at some point or I was texting her or – whatever. Anyway, nearing the end of the night we got our ‘looking for a party’ heads on – with absolutely no Drink to take with us or anything. However it happened Alison then said she was at a Party and we would probably be accepted at it – not welcome – but accepted. I asked who was there and she said oh Sarah, Linzi, Danielle blah blah – it’s in Gemmas house”. Ok I said – me Turner and Iain will be down in a taxi shortly – so off to Clay Crescent we went. I obviously knew Gemma and linzi at the time from the

pub etc being the same age group and with the same alcoholic tendancies.

Nevertheless we got to Gemmas house and proceeded to the kitchen as we always do at parties – attempting to steal the odd can off someone who was either not looking or completely inebriated  and wouldn’t notice. Iain (who we will move on to in a moment) was passed clean out as usual so it was left to me and David to show face. We need to add that David had just got a new phone that day for Christmas and was playing with it to which Linzi said to him, “ oh that’s a nice phone” and david replied, “ would you like to see my number?” – From then on they started the txting game and alas from one stumbling block to another they have arrived here today – despite Davids cheesey chat up line Linzi fell in love with him all the same, I suppose they do say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and having experienced Linzis driving I must say I do worry about her eyesight.

Of course Linzi now knows David quite well, I stress the term ‘quite well’ because if she just knew him ‘well’ we probably wouldn’t be here.

David, this is indeed the happiest day of your life, at least that’s what Linzi told me earlier, and so it should be, for you have just married a beautiful, intelligent and successful lady, who’s also a great cook.

To see the happy couple walking down the aisle earlier today was great, I’m sure we all agree that Linzi looked absolutely stunning and David – looked absolutely stunned. Honestly Linzi you looked like one in a million today, and David – you looked, won in a raffle!

To finish on a serious note however:

There’s no greater a privilege than to be asked to be a best man, and no more terrifying a prospect than having to do the Best Man’s speech. It’s the speech that no one wants to do. The best man doesn’t really know what he’s expected to say and yet his speech is supposed to be humorous – but it might not be. It’s supposed to be short – but it probably won’t be. It should be original – but it seldom is. It should not offend – but most do. And finally, it’s supposed to be sincere and I certainly intend mine to be. In fact, I cannot be more sincere than to say to David what an honour you have done me by asking me to be your Best Man today

Linzi and David, your relationship is a role model for many of us. There have been a few ups and downs, but you never allowed anything to come between you. You guys are an inspiration, setting an example for us all and reminding us this day: “You don’t marry someone you can live with – you marry the person who you cannot live without.”

As best man, I’m supposed to offer some insight into married life for the bride and groom. Now, never having been married myself, I’m not sure I’m qualified to give such advice. The one thing I will say to Linzi is this: if David turns out to be half as loyal and supportive a husband as he has been a friend, you can look forward to a very long and very happy marriage

David, I couldn’t be happier that you’ve found your special partner for life, and I know that the two of you will be happy for many years. I know that however things change, and whatever fate rolls your way, you’ll make the most of everything you have. I hope the life ahead of you be all you have ever dreamed of.

Folks, thank you very much for listening and I hope you enjoy your meal and the rest of the evening – for any Doctors out there just a few words of warning, when you see David dancing later on I just want to assure you that the movements you see are completely voluntary.

Thank you….

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2 Comments on “My Best man Speech”

  1. Henrik Says:

    This is seriously embarrassing. I can honestly imagine the guests sitting grinning at your pathetic gags and praying that you would stop bumping your gums.

  2. Cheers for that, for what it is worth – it wen’t down well. Everyone enjoyed themselves and a great day was had by all.

    Perhaps,just maybe if you let your hair down once in a while you might appreciate this concept yourself.


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